How-to Manual: Bathing a cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add large amounts of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Find the cat and calm it down while you take it to the bathroom.
4. With a lightning fast movement put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You might have to stand on top of the toilet.) The cat will stir up the water all by itself creating a large amount of foam. Do not be disturbed by the noises that are coming from the toilet. The cat really likes this.
NOTE: make sure that non of your body parts get near the opening as the cats nails will try to catch anything near by.

First time hunting

A hunter takes his wife hunting for the first time. He explains her everything, how to load the gun, how to hold it, how to aim, and if she shoots something, then how important to get to the animal quickly so no other hunter would claim it. After the long lesson, they go on their separate ways, but a short time later, the hunter hears a shot from the direction of his wife.
He starts walking in that direction and soon enough he hears a very agitated hunter yelling at his wife, over a dead animal:
"Okay, madam, I agree. This is you "deer"! Just please let me take my saddle off of it."

Small Political Economy

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. "Your Lord" takes some of your milk in return for taxes.

IDEALISTIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them away and places them into a public cow barn with the rest of the cows. You have to take care of all the cows and in exchange you get a little milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are taken care off by an ex-chicken farmer, however you have to take care of the chickens that were taken away from him by the government. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as you need determined by law.

Christ on the cross

Do you know why they crucified Christ instead of drowning him?

How stupid an aquarium would look on top of the church...

Americans in Wales

Two American tourists, in Wales, stops to eat in a city called Llanfacwyrnirbwlantyslioggich.
One of them says to the waitress: "Before we order, could you please help us decide our little argument. Could you tell us slowly and very articulately what is the name of this place."
The waitress leans over and says:
"Buuur-geeer-kiiing"

English Beer

"And what do you think of the traditional english beer" - getting asked the Czeh tourist in England.
"It should be poured right back into the horse..."

Indian winter

On a cold and grey fall morning the indian chief walks into the shaman's tent.
"What kind of winter should we expect?"
"Its gonna be a hard cold winter."
"Are You sure?"
"Sure."
"Should I collect wood?"
"Should you even ask? Of course!"
"Should my family collect wood?"
"Yes, your family too."
"Should the whole tribe collect wood?"
"Yes, the whole tribe."
The chief walks away, but the shaman has second thoughts. Maybe he shouldn't be so hard on the old chief. "What if I gave him too much work unneccessarily." says to himself.

My Philosophy

(Not in any particular order or importance.)

Do not steal! The government does not tolerate competition!

If you want to learn something about yourself, and you want it in minute detail, tell your wife she is fat...

I believe in dragons, ferries, good people and other fantasy characters...

I want to die like my grandpa, dreaming in my sleep, not screaming in horror, like his passengers.

Fighting a war for freedom is like having sex for virginity.

The world's IQ is constant. Only there is always more and more people.

The redneck and the bear

The old redneck is sitting in his garden, when his grandson appears running and yelling.
"Grandpa, Grandpa, there is a bear on the roof."
"Okay son" he takes the cigar out of his mouth, "get the dog, the shotgun and a stick."
"Why do we need all these things grandpa?"
"I will go up to the roof with the stick to force off the bear. Then you will let the dog go, so it will bite off the bears thing."
"But why do we need the shotgun?"
The old man puts back the cigar.
"In case the bear forces me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

Advice

A man is asking the doctor:
"My wife become pregnant, and we do not know how can we have sex."
"Well, in the first few months, you can do it the regular way, then at the middle of the pregnancy you should do it doggy style and during the last month you should do it wolf style."
"Wolf style? What is that?"
"You sit by the hole and howl."

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