Drug problem

God, seeing the destructive power of drugs, decides to deal with them once and for all. He figures that the best way to battle this, is to get to know thy enemy first, so he sends his apostles to Earth to get some samples.

Some time goes by and suddenly Peter arrives back.
“What did you bring, Peter?”, asks God.
“Some hashish from Morocco”, comes the answer.

Some more time goes by, and John comes back.
“What did you bring, John?”
“Some cocaine from Columbia”

A little more time goes by, and Luke knocks on the door.
“What did you bring, Luke?”
“Some LSD from Amsterdam.”

What time is it?

I hate it when someone points to his wrist while asking me what time it is. Like I would not know where I wear my watch.

What would they say if I would point to my pants every time, when I ask where is the bathroom.

Microsoft product

Which Microsoft product will never suck?

The Microsoft Vacuum Cleaner...

Management sports

The junior managers are playing basketball.
The middle managers are playing tennis.
The executive managers are playing racquetball.
CEOs and presidents are playing golf.

In other words: the higher they get in power, the smaller their balls are.

I'm off to bowling...

Sugar free

A fat woman walks into a confectionery.

"What can you give me that has no sugar and no fat in it?"

"Napkins..."

Mobile Phone

Men are getting dressed in a gym after training, when a mobile phone rings on the dressing bench.

One of them picks it up, and says hello.

“Honey,” says a female voice, “are you in the gym?

”Yes”

“Great. I’m only 2 blocks away. I just saw a beautiful Mink Fur coat, can I buy it?”

“How much?”

“Only $10000.”

“Well, okay, you can buy it, if you like it so much.”

“Oh, thank you darling, but I also just stopped by a Mercedes dealership, and they just came out with the new model, and we really need to get rid off the BMW that we bought last year…”

“How much?”

Art and politics

A politician is getting his portrait painted by an artist.

As he is standing there, he keeps talking.

Suddenly the painter says:

"If you don't stop talking, I will paint you the way you really are."

Excitement or stress

What is the difference between excitement and stress?
Excitement is when your wife is pregnant.
Stress is when your secretary is…

At the eye doctor

A Czech man, after his eye sight starts going bad, decides to visit an eye doctor.

The doctor prepares a series of tests, and the firs one is showing the man the usual Eye's sight check table, with the following characters: "CVKPNWXSCZ"

"Can you read this", asks the doctor."

"Can I read it?” says the patient, "I have even visited this village.

The Lost Son

As Jesus is walking in the woods, he suddenly hears someone weeping terribly. He starts walking into that direction and sees and old man in tears, looking for something.

Jesus asks: “Why are you crying?”

“Oh, I’m completely overcome with sorrow”, says the old man, “I can’t find my son.”

“I can easily help”, says Jesus, “Did he have any special markings?”

“Of course he did”, says the old man, “he had metal nails hammered into both his hands.”

Jesus sinks on his knees and opens his arms: “My Dad!”

“PINOCCHIO!!!”

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